Alice Giggles

Alice initially started giggling a few weeks ago but it was few and far between and only little half-laughs. We are now in the full on belly laugh stage and Oh My God it is so cute!!! Her favorite thing to laugh at is our dog Karma. She gets such a kick out of her. Nice to see that someone finds Karma's incessant barking amusing and not annoying. Check this out:

The first 4+ months - a catch-all

I had much loftier expectations for my blog post-baby. I knew I wouldn't have an abundance of time to write, but I would've thought at least a post a month would've been do-able. Here I am 4.5 months in and all I've managed to put out there is my birth story, and that took me sitting down at least 5 separate times to complete. I realized I'm putting too much pressure on my blog entries. I constantly think of something I want to write down and things I want to remember about Alice but then I think that I should "organize my thoughts" more before I can write a complete entry - and then I just don't write. So here we go with a potentially long and winding stream-of-consciousness entry, so that at least I can say I wrote something.

I love, love, love being a mom. I would not have said that in the first couple of weeks of Alice's life. I was concerned at first that I may have been suffering from post-partum depression because I just remember feeling very bleak in our first days at home. Taking care of newborn Alice was HARD and to be honest most of the time I just didn't feel like attending to her every need. I was completely overwhelmed and I spent a good deal of time mourning my old life - mourning the freedom that I had given up in order to become a mom. I felt panicky at the thought that my life would never be easy again.

Thankfully for me those feelings passed within about 10 days, leading me to think that I must've had the incredibly common Baby Blues. My doctor explained it as a massive hormonal drop in the days following delivery. She said that next time she will put me on something to slow down the sudden plunge in hormones and hopefully keep me more balanced in the early days. Also thankfully, those days seem so distant from the incredibly loving feelings I now have towards Alice and towards my role as a mother. I literally could not be any happier than I am now.

I love everything about her. I am constantly amazed at how I can look into her eyes and recognize myself and Aaron. I don't know if I will ever comprehend the fact that we made her. I am not a religious person but being a mother feels very spiritual. I love nursing her. I am going to miss it when I am done. I love sleeping next to her, which I do for most of every night - co-sleeping stigmas be damned! :) I love hearing her giggle - a very new development that I can't get enough of.

I love watching her have new experiences and meet new people. I am proud of how friendly and social she is. She smiles unprovoked and generally has an easy confidence about her - maybe a funny characteristic to use to describe an infant but I see it in her. I love noticing new things she is all of a sudden able to do. Just tonight she was sitting in her Bumbo on the dining room table while Aaron and I ate dinner and playing with a small board book. She dropped the book and a couple seconds later leaned over to the right side of her chair - where she had dropped the book - to look for it. Where did she all of a sudden learn that awareness?! It is so remarkable how quickly she has learned how this great big world works.

Being a mom has given me the ability to relate to other people in my life on an entirely new level. I now understand how my own mom feels about me - I could've never completely understood that feeling before. I am beyond thrilled for my friends who become pregnant and have babies of their own. I am genuinely interested in other parents' stories about their children and imagine Alice in some of the scenarios they describe as she gets older, and get excited at all we have yet to experience with her. My heart is warmed watching my family members interact with my daughter and seeing how much they love her too.

I feel better having captured some of these early feelings. :) NOW I will try to be more serious about blogging. One thing I've been wanting to write about is my system and routine for pumping while at work, storing milk, and mainting my production. I figure it might be helpful for others and I can also use it as a point of reference when baby #2 comes along someday and I have to do this whole thing all over again. Stay tuned for that one...

The Long-Awaited Birth Story

I have been so preoccupied over the last nearly 4 months (!) with becoming a mother (go figure!) that I have completely neglected my blog postings. I think about my blog several times a week but just never actually write anything. It's time for that to change, and I'm going to start by sharing my birth story.

I want to start by saying that thinking about giving birth fills me with the most wonderful warm feeling - I feel so fulfilled by my birth experience and have zero negative associations or memories of it. Yes, it was by far the most intense "difficult" thing I have ever been through physically or mentally, but all in all I feel EXTREMELY positive about the whole ordeal. I am forever thankful for this and I know I couldn't feel this way if not for the help of some very important people along the way.

I am prone to anxiety - something I have dealt with for much of my adult life. My anxiety usually stems around health-related issues. Sort of ironic because I have lead a very healthy life and I have not had anyone close to me die or contract a serious illness to the point where I was scared they might die. For whatever reason though I get all freaked out anytime I feel my health may be compromised. So naturally, the act of giving birth would be expected to stimulate all those freak-out hormones and cause me to go into a full-on panic attack throughout the whole thing, right? Wrong - I would venture to say that I was probably the most calm I may have ever been in my life while giving birth.

My water broke at 8:00 am on Monday, May 23rd, just as Aaron and I were about to leave the house to go to work. I was absolutely DREADING going to work that day because not only was I five days "overdue" at that point, but I also had stayed home the Friday before because I was having contractions and thought they were the start of the real thing. Needless to say, those contractions had stopped over the weekend and I seemed to be back to square one with no signs of labor.

I remember sitting on the toilet and watching the fluid gush out and I seriously wondered if I was actually just peeing. OBVIOUSLY I wasn't, but my mind would somehow not let me believe that this was actually happening - that my body was preparing to finally birth my baby. Aaron came in and quickly confirmed that - duh - my water really did break and we called the clinic to tell them to notify the hospital that we would be coming in. We decided to take a little time since I wasn't having any contractions and wasn't uncomfortable in any way. We were extremely thorough about packing our bags and stopped at Bread & Chocolate for some yummy panini breakfast sandwiches and croissants since I knew I wouldn't be able to eat again until after the baby was born. We arrived to Fairview Southdale at 10:00 am, were checked by a triage nurse (dilated only 1 cm, baby was "very high" in her words) and were admitted to room 219 by 11:00 am.

I was still showing no signs of active labor. The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to start me on pitocin and my heart sank a little bit. I had wanted to avoid that and labor naturally but obviously when your water breaks you're on the clock, so to speak, and they want to make sure you get that baby delivered within 24 hours. We asked if we could try walking and bouncing on the ball for a while to see if contractions would start on their own. The nurses obliged us but it was evident that they thought we were silly for not just starting the pitocin. I walked and bounced and moved and jumped for almost an hour and...nothing. And then I did start to feel silly and consented to the pitocin.

The pitocin kicked in quickly but it was very mild at first. I definitely started feeling contractions but they were only uncomfortable, not painful. We labored out of the bed for as long as we could. I remember being on my hands and knees a lot because I was feeling the most pressure in my lower back - a sign that baby was posterior. I was hoping to let gravity do its job and rotate her around the other way to relieve the pain from my back.

Around 2:30 we called our doula, Kristina, and asked her to come to the hospital. We were ready for some assistance at that point as the contractions were starting to feel much more intense. They were coming more frequently and lasting longer and were getting MUCH stronger. I still felt in control though and like I could handle them. When Kristina arrived she helped us find some other positions to help me get as comfortable as possible, including standing and leaning on either her or Aaron. I remember everything escalating very quickly after she arrived. The contractions went straight from a 4 or a 5 to a 9 or a 10 on the pain scale and I began wondering aloud when I could have an epidural. At my last cervical check I was only 2 cm dilated so in my head it was far too early to get an epidural. I had hoped to labor to a 6 or a 7 on my own before requiring assistance. Not sure how I got that number in my head but I was focused on it.

By around 4:30 I could literally no longer take the pain. The contractions were coming one on top of another with no break in between. I felt like my body might literally just fold over on itself because I had no time to breathe or recover from any of the pain.  Someone (Kristina maybe?) pointed out that the contractions I was having probably weren't productive because they were so quick and frequent and not the long, deep contractions with a break in between that your body needs to really make progress. All my body was doing at this point was fighting the pain. Made sense to me and so I consented to the epidural (actually I think I pretty much demanded it).



During a contraction...I remember being in this side-lying position holding Aaron's hand A LOT



After that things settled down quite a bit. I began progressing regularly, it seemed like a centimeter every hour or hour and a half. I remember feeling in control again. The pain wasn't sharp anymore but I still felt some pretty serious pressure and used my yoga breathing to relax through each contraction. We went on this way until probably 9:30 pm or so. There were some minor issues with the baby not being in the correct (posterior) position. My awesome nurse Ana was very helpful in giving me some different positions to lay in to hopefully help rotate the baby around. Obviously you are pretty restricted when hooked up to an epidural so I really appreciated her attentiveness to making me as comfortable as possible and helping me to progress despite being bedridden. I spent a lot of time sort of rolled onto one side with one leg up in a stirrup...trying to get gravity to spin the baby around. It felt so good to be able to change positions every so often!

Up until this point everything had been going smoothly and there was no reason for any concern at all. Then I remember Ana checking me and telling me that I was almost completely dilated and effaced, but the baby was not descending into the birth canal. Her guess was that the baby might be stuck and was not going to fit through my pelvis to be delivered. She was very honest and told us there was a 50-50 chance of having a c-section. Surprisingly I felt completely OK with that information. Aaron probably not so much. He admitted to me later that hearing that news scared the crap out of him. Me though? Didn't care one tiny bit...I was just thinking, well at least this would all be over that much sooner!

Ana told me she was going to "crank up" my pitocin and give me 45 minutes to progress and then re-assess from there. Grrrrrreeeeaatttt!! That sounds like a blast. So she did, and progress I did - when she came back to check me I was at a +2 station from a 0 station less than an hour earlier. Alice was dropping and dropping fast! Yippee! I think it was probably close to midnight now because I think this is about when the pushing started. You always hear women talking about an "urge" to push and that is exactly what I felt. I asked if I could try and they said I could...and that was it. They didn't rush to get into position to catch the baby or anything, just casually nodded their heads and were like "yeah sure whatever go for it". Seemed odd to me, but obviously they knew I wasn't going to just push the baby out in one pop. Amazing what those medical professionals know...

From this point it really becomes a blur. I remember some talk about calling Dr. Jeffers. Turns out she was the one "on call" for the clinic that night so I was really happy to know that she would be coming in to deliver my baby. They said they would call her when I was about a half hour from delivering because it would take her 20 minutes to get there. I remember wondering how exactly they would know when I'm a half hour out but whatever. They knew. I pushed on and off from about midnight to 2 am when Alice was finally born. During this time I would push through a couple contractions and then take a break through one or two and just breathe through them. They also gave me an oxygen mask to breathe into when I was on my "breaks". I didn't know it at the time but apparently the baby's heart rate was slowing, hence the reason for my breaks and for the oxygen. They called Dr. Jeffers at about 1:20. She showed up at 1:45 (a little longer than 20 minutes because of some overnight construction going on). The last things I remember before Alice entered this world were: A) everyone in the room guessing how big the baby would be...Dr. Jeffers guessed 8 lbs 10 oz and ended up being spot on! and B) Florence & The Machine's "Dog Days Are Over" playing on my labor playlist and Dr. Jeffers commenting that it was a really good song to push to. I'm pretty sure Alice came out during that song.

The funniest thing to me was the utter surprise to see Dr. Jeffers holding up my baby and then placing her on my chest. The push where she came out felt no different to me than any other push and they had all been encouraging me the whole way along so I had no idea that the 57th time of people saying "You're doing so great, she's almost here!" actually meant that she was almost here. Also, Aaron kept telling me to "push really hard this time" and inside I was rolling my eyes and cursing him out and thinking "what the hell do you THINK I'm doing" but instead I just breathed and stayed quiet.

And so Alice Kathleen Doepner joined our family at 2:03 am on May 24, 2011. 8 lbs 10 oz, 21.5 inches long, with a 14.5 inch head. Here are some of her first pics...




First family photo. I can't believe how awesome my hair looks here.



This was taken in some of the first moments after birth. It's hard to tell in this low-res version of the photo, but this picture ended up being very useful to us after I dropped Alice when she was 8 weeks old and we had to endure an overnight hospital stay. The nursing staff freaked out that one of her pupils was larger than the other one, which could've indicated a brain injury...later on we looked back at this photo and realized she was born that way. I'll probably blog about her fall in a later post. Short version is that she is just fine!



Brand New Babe!



:)

"Overdue"

Today is May 19th = 1 day after May 18th = uncharted territory when it comes to my baby countdown. I know that due dates are only estimates but there is such a stigma for going past your date that I never understood before. People look at you like there must be something wrong with you or the baby or they give you looks of pity or they have a million questions about how on earth you could have NOT given birth by this point.

In actuality I am feeling fine (considering), my blood pressure is low, baby's heartbeat is strong, she is content and moving around consistently, and obviously she is just not quite ready to come out yet. And it's only 1 day past my due date - not unusual people! Especially for a first-time mom.

So we try to relax and wait. We've been waiting ~281 days so far, so what's a few more at this point, right? I went through some minor nesting last night, organizing her clothes more than they probably need to be, and verifying the contents of our hospital bags. I also went for 3 separate walks and had a massage. Then I finished my thank-you notes, just in case my baby is extremely polite and wasn't planning on coming out until I've properly thanked everyone who has given us baby gifts to this point. Tonight I plan on doing nothing and see if that works instead.

What I'll miss about being pregnant

Let me start out by saying that I am SO fricking uncomfortable right now. I am pretty sure the baby "dropped" a couple days ago because everything has felt different to me. I feel like I'm carrying her in a sling between my legs. She is so heavy. Whenever I get up into a standing position after sitting or laying for a prolonged amount of time it is difficult to figure out how to walk for the first few steps. Today I am wearing a dress and while usually dresses are the most comfortable option while preggo, today I am noticing that without a waistband the baby just kind of slumps into my lap. It all feels strange and since it's kind of putting me in a bitchy mood I decided to redirect those negative thoughts into a post about the good things about being pregnant - so that I can refer back someday and maybe consider doing this again.

• Guilt-free eating: Aaron may disagree with me on this one, but I don't think I've been completely irresponsible as an eater while pregnant. Yes, I have been eating A LOT more sweets than I normally would (I blame my preggo sweet tooth) but I have also been trying to balance with more fruits/veggies/milk than I would normally consume. But the part I just LOVE about being pregnant is that as long as I'm eating enough healthy stuff I really don't mind reaching for that extra cookie, or stopping to pick up chocolate donuts just because I want them.
• Not buttoning my pants: I think I've been in full-on maternity clothing since about late November. It was a really nice perk during the holiday season, especially since this was during my second-trimester out-of-control-endless appetite. I could really shovel it in at Thanksgiving and Christmas thanks to my stretchy waistband.
• Break from household chores: This has been especially true the last several weeks. At first I had a lot of guilt over not pitching in to do my share around the house, but just the other night Aaron was deep-cleaning the basement and I laid on the couch with my nook book and just read and let go of all those guilty feelings. After all, he does not have to give birth and I do. That should make up for everything.
• Baby showers: I've had three of these so far and we are having a fourth after the baby is born. It is fun to be with close friends and family all for the sole purpose of celebrating this new life we are about to bring into the world. Also, baby showers are WAY more fun than wedding showers, especially when you're expecting a girl. Love those miniature dresses and super cute little ruffly clothes.
• General shared excitement from others: I've noticed this especially from other people who are already parents. It's especially fun to hear men that I work with gush about how much they love their kids and how amazing it is going to be for us to experience that joy.
• Feeling the baby move: Even though this has become particularly uncomfortable lately, I am trying to enjoy the movement because everyone I talk to says they miss those feelings when the baby is on the outside. I'll keep reminding myself of this when she rotates her butt around to sit directly on a nerve under my rib.

And of course the thing I'm most looking forward to about being un-pregnant (besides meeting my daughter of course) - maternity leave in the summer! I can't wait for this special time where my normal routine is cast aside and my sole focus is on spending time with my baby. When else do you get to take off this much work for such an amazing reason?

13 days and counting...dr appt tomorrow morning. Here's hoping she tells me I'm 4 cm dilated and fully effaced!

Tick tock...

I will be 38 weeks tomorrow. We are within striking distance of meeting our first-born child. We are so excited we can hardly stand it. These last few weeks have been tricky for me. I am trying to relax into the end of my pregnancy, knowing just how amazing it is going to be to hold my daughter for the very first time. But at the same time there is SO much to do. I'm trying not to obsess over any small details, because surely no matter what we do to prepare there will ALWAYS be more that we could do. I am trying to shift my focus to the mental, emotional and spiritual preparation.

I try to take several opportunities every day to just quietly rest my hands on my belly and send some positive thoughts to the little baby inside me. I often look into her furnished room, all the tiny clothes in her dresser, her diapers stacked and waiting, envisioning me holding her as we rock in the glider. I am trying to be more mindful than ever during my yoga classes, forging a deep spiritual connection with this little one as we stretch and move together. We will only be one for a short time longer so I am trying to hold onto these moments because the baby and I are truly experiencing our own miracle. Only she and I will ever know what it was like to be one with each other.

Deep breathing, baths, exercise and meditation will be my support these next days and weeks. What a monumental time for me and Aaron! Looking forward to soaking it all in.

Mourning the loss of the two of us

I am one month from D-Day today. I have this strong intuition that the baby is going to come early, but one of my prenatal yoga instructors said the other day that 99% of first-time moms feel the same way and it doesn't happen. So I'll try to put that out of my mind and just let her come whenever she wants. But my brain is definitely fixed on the "any day now" mantra...

As we get ready for baby, I get more and more excited to meet her, hold her, kiss her, and love her. But at the same time I am sad to lose the lifestyle that Aaron and I have grown accustomed to - just the two of us. I think about it every day. I am married to my best friend and I will always feel so fortunate for that. We click so well together and I can't imagine existence without him. We both often tell each other how we can't think of anyone we'd rather be doing anything with that that moment. We just love hanging out and absorbing life together, as a couple.

That will be gone soon with the arrival of our first baby. Of course we will still have alone time together - we have both made a strong commitment to that and to maintaining and improving our relationship through parenthood. But I know that it will never be the same, never just "what do Anne and Aaron want to do tonight"?

So - in the most positive way possible - I am taking some time to mourn the loss of that reality for us. I am trying to think of a way to celebrate our relationship while we still have just the two of us. For now I am just trying to be very conscious of every moment together and really soak it in, even if we're doing absolutely nothing but just being together.

I know that the addition of our baby girl will only make things so much better for us overall and we are so grateful to be allowed the opportunity to parent together. But I will still miss "just us".