I've been meaning to do a post for a while about the head trauma that Alice suffered almost a year ago, which landed us at Children's Hospital for an overnight stay, 2 CAT scans, and constant monitoring. I felt like I "got over" the stress of that event for the most part and was doing fine, knowing that she really didn't suffer any ill effects from her fall, and was growing and developing right on track.
The last few weeks have presented a couple new health issues for Alice, and I was alarmed to find the horrible feelings of anxiety that I felt with her initial hospital stay immediately rise to the surface for both occasions. This is not something I am OK with, and I need to fix it. Of course a normal amount of anxiety when it comes to your child's health is necessary and to be expected. But the feelings I've been getting seem like the kind that could become debilitating if I don't do something about them. Blogging is a start, I suppose.
I've had issues with anxiety off and on most of my adult life. I am prone to worry and have an insane imagination. Always have. Throw parenting into the mix and you've got a full-fledged freakazoid the second anything seems to be going wrong.
It's hard to describe the anxiety, but I'll try. It's usually characterized by a heavy pit in my stomach accompanied by a feeling of lightheadedness or exhaustion or numbness. I understand rationally that I am not in any physical danger, but the anxiety has such a physical manifestation of itself that it's hard to remember that at the time. When it gets really bad I feel I might faint. Or have a heart attack. Or die. Or go crazy. Not sure how exactly "going crazy" would play out. I probably need to figure out how to articulate that one a little better.
Here I sit as my daughter sleeps in her crib down the hall. I've been told by doctors and nurses that she is just fine. Just the flu. But normally kids with the flu don't get sent to Children's by their pediatrician to get an IV for dehydration, right? Who knows - maybe it happens more than I know. But it's a very lonely feeling when you're checking your baby into the ER. It just shouldn't be happening. Alice should be playing happily. We should've gone out to breakfast with my dad and my sisters, not have to cancel because she's still puking since yesterday.
It's such a strong feeling of loss of control, this whole parenting thing. Maybe I need to discover a religion to give me peace with a situation that is so unpredicatble? Pretty much kidding, but it has crossed my mind. All I want is for her to be happy and safe and healthy. When one of those elements is threatened it's the top of the list of worst feelings in the world. When I hear other parents talk of illnesses their kids had I don't feel this anxiety. I feel bad for them, of course, but it's sooooo different when it's your own child.
In the long run I understand that the stomach flu with mild dehydration (two doctors both said her lab results weren't "terrible") is a minor bump in the road and that she is going to be just fine. But it's that knowledge that her health is thoroughly in my hands and I'm soooo unqualified to deal with it that really scares me so.
It's time to deal with these feelings so I can let go of the trauma of her ER visit from last year, and all subsequent bumps in the road. Because I know there will be more. I keep thinking "once she's older I won't worry so much". But all of the more experienced parents I know tell me that's far from the truth. Which just freaks me out even more! Sigh. Time for a glass of wine for this stressed-out mama.
