Alice Lately

Note: I began this post on June 28 when Alice was 13 months old. I am picking it back up today at 16.5 months old and will post my new commentary below the original section that I wrote. Kind of fun to read back on what she was doing a few months ago. I should blog more! (duh).

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June 28, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a toddler on our hands! To use the cliched line: "How did this happen??" It truly does seem like just the other day when my water broke on the dining room floor and next thing you know (uh....not really, more like 18 hours later, but whatever) we were holding our precious, healthy newborn daughter in our arms.

Out to dinner at the Groveland Tap on Alice's 15 month "birthday"

The most striking thing about raising a child to me is the dichotomy of emotions it presents. This year I have experienced the most blissfully happy feelings I could ever imagine - happiness on a level I never knew to exist before. I have also felt the depths of terror and fear (when I dropped Alice at 8 weeks old and she was admitted to Children's overnight with a minor concussion...I still need to blog about this because I have a lot of emotions that I haven't dealt with entirely yet about this experience). Largely though, this year has sparked the greatest amount of personal growth in my life in such a relatively short time frame. I never really used to feel like a grown-up even though I technically have been for almost 15 years. But becoming a parent? Instant  adulthood. I've definitely aged this year, but I like to think of it as wisening up, not just getting older.

Playing with a toy she had just stolen from the poor little boy in the background. She is a stinker!

Alice is such a delight and a joy to be around lately. She is a very Type A child and thrives around other people and especially kids. She is a mover and a shaker. She wants to touch and handle everything and climb up, on and over everything else. I like to tease Aaron that this is all his fault because I was truly a very shy little girl who didn't really push any boundaries, and he was known as the neighborhood rabble rouser. But truthfully I have so much admiration and respect for Alice's daring little personality. I feel like she is already someone that I, myself, would aspire to be. I love the confidence that she has in herself and her abilities, and I see it as my job, as her mother, to help her hold on to that into childhood, her teenage years, and adulthood.

Weirdo!

She is very vocal lately and it has become a lot of fun to ask her to repeat words that you say, because a lot of the time she actually will! When my dad was on his way over this weekend to introduce us to his new puppy Daisy, we practiced saying "puppy" and she would repeat it in a soft whisper like "pup pup". When you ask her to say something she gets this look of concentration on her face and sort of stares off into the distance as I imagine she is trying to process the sound and regurgitate it to use.

Here's a list of many of her vocabulary words lately:

• Mama
• Dada
• Up
• Nummy Nummy Nummy (when you ask her if she wants "num nums" at meal time)
• Hi (but it's more like "Hiiii-iiiii" with the first syllable at a higher sing-songy tone than the second syllable)
• Yep (I can never tell if this is intentional but a lot of times when we ask her a question she will respond with what sounds like "yep" and it's hysterical)

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October 10, 2012

Picking up where I left off...Alice truly does become more and more fun as each month goes by. But with that fun comes a whole new load of challenges. As any parent of a toddler will attest, they are stubborn little creatures! Lots of things have become a "battle" now, including changing her diaper (the only time she will actually lay down when you change her is first thing in the morning -- otherwise she is standing up); meals (nearly impossible to find something she will eat a lot of unless it is a PBJ); and bedtime (ALWAYS says "nooooo" when you ask if she is ready for bed -- even as she is rubbing her eyes and yawning over and over).

Does NOT want to go to bed

One of many meals she didn't eat. How she continues to gain weight I have no clue.

We took two trips away from Alice this summer - one to Oregon/Washington for 5 nights and one to San Francisco/Berkeley for 3 nights. Both were for good friends' weddings and we were so happy to be able to attend. It was nice to have a little break from the routine and get to pretend like we lived our "old life" for a while. I was done breastfeeding/pumping as of the end of June, so it was also very nice to have my body back and not have to coordinate a pumping schedule into our vacations. Alice split her stay with mine and Aaron's parents both times and seems to have done really well. I won't lie though and say that it was "easy" to leave her - especially for the longer Oregon trip. I was absolutely dying to see her by the time we got back.

This was how we left her before our Oregon trip -- happy in the high chair at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Alice loves to be on the go and is extremely "busy" even for a toddler. This became ever so apparent to me when I brought her to the Red Balloon for story time and to meet Curious George a month or so ago. ALL the other kids were sitting and listening attentively to the story teller but Alice got up twice and marched right up front to try to climb all over the story teller's chair and table she had set up. We had to go play in a different corner of the store until the story was over. I know she will grow out of this phase and actually this experience really validated me for feeling so worn out from parenting a lot of the time. I have my hands full!

One seemingly peaceful moment caught on camera at Lego Land

She jabbers and jabbers ALL THE TIME and I can't even keep track of how many words she says. She comes up with new ones all the time and she will pretty much attempt to repeat anything we ask her too. Right now I'm working hard on "Love you Mommy". Ha. It is funny to me the words she does say and the ones she cannot (or just will not). There are only two other kids at her daycare. One is Brogan - 2 years old - and he has been there since she started in April. They are really good buddies. She will NOT say his name, not even attempt a "B" sound. But a baby named Madeline (pronounced Mad-uh-LINE like the French girl from the books) started in August and Alice says her name all the time, including a very elaborate tongue roll. It may be just the fact that I think she is somewhat intrigued with Baby Madeline but to me Brogan seems easier to say, no? She also has yet to say Tammy, the name of her daycare provider, but says Tammy's kids names repeatedly (Liam and Grace). She says "Papa" for Grandpa but no attempt at saying Grandma yet. She just started saying Leigh and Al for her auntie and uncle but no Brooke yet for her other auntie. She will say "Day-dee" all the time for Daisy, my dad's dog, but no mention of Karma (her own dog). The cat is simply "Dee" (presumably for the last syllable in the word "Kitty").

She says "please" all the time and is really beginning to understand that it will get her what she wants, even after she was already denied sometimes. Apparently Aaron's dad didn't know she knew that word until just the other day when she was trying to play with a broom at their house that he didn't want her to play with. After he kept denying her she finally said "PWEASE" and shocked him so bad that he handed the broom right over. It is really just too darn cute when she says it.

I caught a wild hair and took her to the Gopher football game on my own in September. She did really well for the first quarter, started to climb the seats halfway through the second quarter, and we left at half time.

Alice is really good at entertaining herself through play. We try to interact with her a lot but also to leave her alone a lot to experiment however she would like. Some of her favorite things to do are to empty and refill a laundry basket or any kind of bag or receptacle; play with her toy kitchen; move magnets from the fridge to the dishwasher and back; pull her toy lawnmower up and down the block; read books; do stickers; stand on her rocking chair and smirk at us; play "Peekaboo Barn" or "Peekaboo Trick or Treat" on my phone; and hug/sit on the cat. We get out of the house a lot to do things with her because our house is tiny and I feel like she gets easily bored if we are just sitting around home for too long. We go to the Children's Museum a lot, and go to the Riverview Cafe for breakfast a lot on the weekends so she can play in their kid's area - although she generally ends up just doing laps around the whole restaurant.

At the Children's Museum on one of our first visits after we got our membership

Out to eat at Which Wich

Visiting the ducks at St. Kate's

Older photo at Choo Choo Bob's - look at that baby pudge!!

Her daycare situation is fabulous and we feel so fortunate that we found Tammy to take care of Alice. As I mentioned before there are only 3 kids there right now total so Tammy is able to do things outside of the house with them sometimes. She took them to the Minnehaha splash pad several times over the summer, to story hour at the library and at the Red Balloon, and to an apple orchard last week. She goes there M-Th and Aaron's parents watch her on Fridays. The only tricky part about Tammy is her hours - only 8 am to 5 pm. Aaron is able to drop her off every morning but the afternoons vary. My mom picks her up on Mondays, Aaron's mom picks her up on Tuesdays, and I shifted my work schedule on W-Th so that I can pick her up on those days. I do miss having daily contact with Tammy because I feel like I don't always have the best idea of what all is going on at daycare, so I tend to chat her up lot on the days I do pick her up, so I can get as much info as possible. All in all she seems to be really thriving there, so that is all you can ask for.

I really relish the moments where Alice will let me snuggle her now, since they are becoming few and far between. Sometimes she will sit on my lap while reading books, but sometimes she just wants to sit next to me. She will always snuggle in during bedtime (which just consists of me singing "Barbara Ann" to her over and over until she points at her crib and asks for her "bed"), so I cherish that time. I know she still needs me, but she is becoming so independent at the same time and it's very bittersweet. :)

Cannot BELIEVE how much she looks like Aaron :)

Sick babies

I've been meaning to do a post for a while about the head trauma that Alice suffered almost a year ago, which landed us at Children's Hospital for an overnight stay, 2 CAT scans, and constant monitoring. I felt like I "got over" the stress of that event for the most part and was doing fine, knowing that she really didn't suffer any ill effects from her fall, and was growing and developing right on track.

The last few weeks have presented a couple new health issues for Alice, and I was alarmed to find the horrible feelings of anxiety that I felt with her initial hospital stay immediately rise to the surface for both occasions. This is not something I am OK with, and I need to fix it. Of course a normal amount of anxiety when it comes to your child's health is necessary and to be expected. But the feelings I've been getting seem like the kind that could become debilitating if I don't do something about them. Blogging is a start, I suppose.

I've had issues with anxiety off and on most of my adult life. I am prone to worry and have an insane imagination. Always have. Throw parenting into the mix and you've got a full-fledged freakazoid the second anything seems to be going wrong.

It's hard to describe the anxiety, but I'll try. It's usually characterized by a heavy pit in my stomach accompanied by a feeling of lightheadedness or exhaustion or numbness. I understand rationally that I am not in any physical danger, but the anxiety has such a physical manifestation of itself that it's hard to remember that at the time. When it gets really bad I feel I might faint. Or have a heart attack. Or die. Or go crazy. Not sure how exactly "going crazy" would play out. I probably need to figure out how to articulate that one a little better.

Here I sit as my daughter sleeps in her crib down the hall. I've been told by doctors and nurses that she is just fine. Just the flu. But normally kids with the flu don't get sent to Children's by their pediatrician to get an IV for dehydration, right? Who knows - maybe it happens more than I know. But it's a very lonely feeling when you're checking your baby into the ER. It just shouldn't be happening. Alice should be playing happily. We should've gone out to breakfast with my dad and my sisters, not have to cancel because she's still puking since yesterday.

It's such a strong feeling of loss of control, this whole parenting thing. Maybe I need to discover a religion to give me peace with a situation that is so unpredicatble? Pretty much kidding, but it has crossed my mind. All I want is for her to be happy and safe and healthy. When one of those elements is threatened it's the top of the list of worst feelings in the world. When I hear other parents talk of illnesses their kids had I don't feel this anxiety. I feel bad for them, of course, but it's sooooo different when it's your own child.

In the long run I understand that the stomach flu with mild dehydration (two doctors both said her lab results weren't "terrible") is a minor bump in the road and that she is going to be just fine. But it's that knowledge that her health is thoroughly in my hands and I'm soooo unqualified to deal with it that really scares me so.

It's time to deal with these feelings so I can let go of the trauma of her ER visit from last year, and all subsequent bumps in the road. Because I know there will be more. I keep thinking "once she's older I won't worry so much". But all of the more experienced parents I know tell me that's far from the truth. Which just freaks me out even more! Sigh. Time for a glass of wine for this stressed-out mama.

First Day at Daycare

My blogging skills since becoming a mother have been seriously embarrassing. I constantly think of great things to blog about but obviously never actually do it. Well today I was sort of "struck" with some crazy urge to document this milestone in Alice's life and I'm actually doing it! I'll be honest, it helps that Aaron is working late so I have no distractions, and nobody to fight for the computer (yes, we share a computer. I know).

We have been so blessed to have our families care for Alice for the first 11 months of her life. I realize this isn't a possibility for so many people so I am grateful every day for our parents' willingness to provide care for Alice on a full-time basis. She has been watched by a combination of Aaron's parents, my mom, my stepmom, and my sisters. Growing up I didn't have an especially "close" relationship with any of my grandparents (mainly due to the fact that my mom's parents lived in Fargo), so I am so excited to see Alice developing close bonds with her grandparents.

Getting some sun in the backyard at Tammy's house

Our original plan was to put Alice into some kind of daycare this fall when she's between 16-18 months old. I felt super confident that we would have our pick of the litter since we had the advantage of having so much time to look. In a very roundabout way we found our daycare provider - Tammy - partly because of word-of-mouth (her brother is friends with my friend's husband). I had heard fabulous things about her daycare environment but when I called her a couple months ago she didn't have any openings. She called me back on April 2nd - the day after we had verbally committed to a different daycare where Alice would have started in November - and told me she would have an immediate opening as a family was leaving her care in 2 weeks. I told her no thank you since we didn't want to start Alice so soon, and because we had found a different place that we liked well enough.

That next evening (April 4) I had dinner with my girlfriends and casually mentioned Tammy's call. Two of them strongly urged me to at least go meet her since it was rare that she has an opening. We visited her on April 10 and immediately had a good feeling - mostly because Alice actually REACHED OUT for Tammy to hold her after we had been there only 3 minutes or so. Alice isn't super freaked out by strangers usually but she has NEVER been that receptive to someone she just met. We sheepishly backed out on the other lady and that was that.

Fast forward to this morning, April 23, and Alice was ready for her first day of daycare. I was peppered with questions in  the last week or so about how nervous I must be for Alice to start daycare and got all the usual comments like "It will be harder for you than for her". I'll admit I did have some anxiety surrounding the whole situation but sort of in a different way. Hello Mom Guilt - I was really worried that I may not have been doing everything the "right" way for these first 11 months and that Tammy might somehow judge my parenting skills as lacking. Alice isn't the most consistent napper, and she still needs a bottle or to be nursed in order to fall asleep. She isn't a fan of a lot of different foods yet. Etc, etc, etc.

In reality I'm sure there are plenty of other kids out there who have way more messed up issues than that. At least, I will tell myself that. Alice blew me away with how well she did today. Aaron dropped her off at about 8:20 and I made him call me as soon as he left the house so I could psychoanalyze everything about Alice's reaction to being left with Tammy. He said that she was just sort of lukewarm to the whole thing. I took that as a positive. The cutest part of her arrival was the fact that Josie - age 3 - had made a card to welcome Alice to daycare and greeted her at the door with it. Adorable!

Little Miss Josie seems to be a big fan of Alice :)

Tammy called me at 11:30 to report that Alice was having a fantastic morning. She had gone for a wagon ride with the other kids (there are only 3 others -- Josie, James age 2, and Brogan age 18 mos) and clapped the whole way, and she enjoyed circle time. We had sort of discussed the possibility of Alice only doing a half day today if things didn't go well but Tammy told me she saw no reason to send Alice home early. I felt a small weight fly off my shoulders after that conversation and immediately turned into the proudest mother in the office. I almost scampered to my boss's office to let him know the good news and started blurting it out not realizing there were two other people in his office with him. So they got to share in my excitement - lucky them I'm sure.

Figuring out this car thing

Tammy actually e-mailed me a few pictures this afternoon which was an awesome surprise. I can't get enough of pictures of Alice or stories about what she's doing when I'm not with her. I'm just so curious all the time. I left work early to pick her up today. Pick up time is 5:00 so normally either my mom or Aaron's mom will do the pick-up and bring her to our house until one of us gets home (thanks again awesome family!) I wanted to get her today though and also touch base with Tammy in person. They were in the backyard when I arrived and Tammy was holding Alice and it actually took Alice a minute or so to even notice I was there. I kind of expected maybe a minor meltdown or outpouring of emotion when she saw me but, nope. She just reached for me and wanted to be held but there was no production whatsoever.

An experienced driver already!

She didn't drink much milk (only 10 oz, she normally has about 15 oz) but Tammy said she was really into her lunch of grilled cheese, turkey, bananas and carrots. That didn't surprise me as sometimes she doesn't love taking a bottle from a stranger but she is definitely into finger foods. She had a tiny morning nap and then napped from 1:00 to 3:15 pm. Tammy has all the kids on one nap a day between 1 and 4, so eventually Alice will be needing to do that too, so hopefully she won't have too much trouble with that transition.

Back tomorrow for Day #2! I remarked to my mom tonight that Alice already seems so much older in just one day. I can't wait to see all the things she learns and brings home to show us! It's a good feeling to know that she is in the right place and being exposed to so many new, fun and exciting things.

The First 6 Months in Photos

I thought it would be fun to take a look at the first 6 monthly photos we took of Alice. Caution: we are extremely amateurish photographers. I wish these photos were better quality...maybe they will be for Kid #2. :) The funniest thing I noticed is that with each passing month we got farther and farther away from the chair. Ha!




1 Measly Month Old
Able to prop herself up fairly well, although we do have several outtakes from this photo shoot that include either Mom or Dad's arm trying to get out of the way after sitting her up.

 

2 Months
I see sooooo many changes from her 1 Month picture to this one. For instance, check out those chubby thighs! She also seems to actually be looking at something, and not just staring 6 inches in front of her.



3 Months
Ahhhh yes, the introduction of headbands thanks to Grandma Kathy. I believe this photo was taken the same day we took her to the State Fair. Quite a fancy outfit for the cow barn.



4 Months
Another cute bow in her hair, well whatever hair she had at this point. Notice her use of the armrest. Such a big girl!



5 Months
Granted she is slouching a bit, but look at those looooong legs hanging off the chair. Looking much more like a little kid and less like a curled-up wrinkly little infant.



6 Months
She finally looks like she "fits" in the chair. I wonder how long it will be before she starts climbing in there to sit all the time. Won't be long now until she's crawling, that's for sure.

Alice Giggles

Alice initially started giggling a few weeks ago but it was few and far between and only little half-laughs. We are now in the full on belly laugh stage and Oh My God it is so cute!!! Her favorite thing to laugh at is our dog Karma. She gets such a kick out of her. Nice to see that someone finds Karma's incessant barking amusing and not annoying. Check this out:

The first 4+ months - a catch-all

I had much loftier expectations for my blog post-baby. I knew I wouldn't have an abundance of time to write, but I would've thought at least a post a month would've been do-able. Here I am 4.5 months in and all I've managed to put out there is my birth story, and that took me sitting down at least 5 separate times to complete. I realized I'm putting too much pressure on my blog entries. I constantly think of something I want to write down and things I want to remember about Alice but then I think that I should "organize my thoughts" more before I can write a complete entry - and then I just don't write. So here we go with a potentially long and winding stream-of-consciousness entry, so that at least I can say I wrote something.

I love, love, love being a mom. I would not have said that in the first couple of weeks of Alice's life. I was concerned at first that I may have been suffering from post-partum depression because I just remember feeling very bleak in our first days at home. Taking care of newborn Alice was HARD and to be honest most of the time I just didn't feel like attending to her every need. I was completely overwhelmed and I spent a good deal of time mourning my old life - mourning the freedom that I had given up in order to become a mom. I felt panicky at the thought that my life would never be easy again.

Thankfully for me those feelings passed within about 10 days, leading me to think that I must've had the incredibly common Baby Blues. My doctor explained it as a massive hormonal drop in the days following delivery. She said that next time she will put me on something to slow down the sudden plunge in hormones and hopefully keep me more balanced in the early days. Also thankfully, those days seem so distant from the incredibly loving feelings I now have towards Alice and towards my role as a mother. I literally could not be any happier than I am now.

I love everything about her. I am constantly amazed at how I can look into her eyes and recognize myself and Aaron. I don't know if I will ever comprehend the fact that we made her. I am not a religious person but being a mother feels very spiritual. I love nursing her. I am going to miss it when I am done. I love sleeping next to her, which I do for most of every night - co-sleeping stigmas be damned! :) I love hearing her giggle - a very new development that I can't get enough of.

I love watching her have new experiences and meet new people. I am proud of how friendly and social she is. She smiles unprovoked and generally has an easy confidence about her - maybe a funny characteristic to use to describe an infant but I see it in her. I love noticing new things she is all of a sudden able to do. Just tonight she was sitting in her Bumbo on the dining room table while Aaron and I ate dinner and playing with a small board book. She dropped the book and a couple seconds later leaned over to the right side of her chair - where she had dropped the book - to look for it. Where did she all of a sudden learn that awareness?! It is so remarkable how quickly she has learned how this great big world works.

Being a mom has given me the ability to relate to other people in my life on an entirely new level. I now understand how my own mom feels about me - I could've never completely understood that feeling before. I am beyond thrilled for my friends who become pregnant and have babies of their own. I am genuinely interested in other parents' stories about their children and imagine Alice in some of the scenarios they describe as she gets older, and get excited at all we have yet to experience with her. My heart is warmed watching my family members interact with my daughter and seeing how much they love her too.

I feel better having captured some of these early feelings. :) NOW I will try to be more serious about blogging. One thing I've been wanting to write about is my system and routine for pumping while at work, storing milk, and mainting my production. I figure it might be helpful for others and I can also use it as a point of reference when baby #2 comes along someday and I have to do this whole thing all over again. Stay tuned for that one...

The Long-Awaited Birth Story

I have been so preoccupied over the last nearly 4 months (!) with becoming a mother (go figure!) that I have completely neglected my blog postings. I think about my blog several times a week but just never actually write anything. It's time for that to change, and I'm going to start by sharing my birth story.

I want to start by saying that thinking about giving birth fills me with the most wonderful warm feeling - I feel so fulfilled by my birth experience and have zero negative associations or memories of it. Yes, it was by far the most intense "difficult" thing I have ever been through physically or mentally, but all in all I feel EXTREMELY positive about the whole ordeal. I am forever thankful for this and I know I couldn't feel this way if not for the help of some very important people along the way.

I am prone to anxiety - something I have dealt with for much of my adult life. My anxiety usually stems around health-related issues. Sort of ironic because I have lead a very healthy life and I have not had anyone close to me die or contract a serious illness to the point where I was scared they might die. For whatever reason though I get all freaked out anytime I feel my health may be compromised. So naturally, the act of giving birth would be expected to stimulate all those freak-out hormones and cause me to go into a full-on panic attack throughout the whole thing, right? Wrong - I would venture to say that I was probably the most calm I may have ever been in my life while giving birth.

My water broke at 8:00 am on Monday, May 23rd, just as Aaron and I were about to leave the house to go to work. I was absolutely DREADING going to work that day because not only was I five days "overdue" at that point, but I also had stayed home the Friday before because I was having contractions and thought they were the start of the real thing. Needless to say, those contractions had stopped over the weekend and I seemed to be back to square one with no signs of labor.

I remember sitting on the toilet and watching the fluid gush out and I seriously wondered if I was actually just peeing. OBVIOUSLY I wasn't, but my mind would somehow not let me believe that this was actually happening - that my body was preparing to finally birth my baby. Aaron came in and quickly confirmed that - duh - my water really did break and we called the clinic to tell them to notify the hospital that we would be coming in. We decided to take a little time since I wasn't having any contractions and wasn't uncomfortable in any way. We were extremely thorough about packing our bags and stopped at Bread & Chocolate for some yummy panini breakfast sandwiches and croissants since I knew I wouldn't be able to eat again until after the baby was born. We arrived to Fairview Southdale at 10:00 am, were checked by a triage nurse (dilated only 1 cm, baby was "very high" in her words) and were admitted to room 219 by 11:00 am.

I was still showing no signs of active labor. The nurse told me that my doctor wanted to start me on pitocin and my heart sank a little bit. I had wanted to avoid that and labor naturally but obviously when your water breaks you're on the clock, so to speak, and they want to make sure you get that baby delivered within 24 hours. We asked if we could try walking and bouncing on the ball for a while to see if contractions would start on their own. The nurses obliged us but it was evident that they thought we were silly for not just starting the pitocin. I walked and bounced and moved and jumped for almost an hour and...nothing. And then I did start to feel silly and consented to the pitocin.

The pitocin kicked in quickly but it was very mild at first. I definitely started feeling contractions but they were only uncomfortable, not painful. We labored out of the bed for as long as we could. I remember being on my hands and knees a lot because I was feeling the most pressure in my lower back - a sign that baby was posterior. I was hoping to let gravity do its job and rotate her around the other way to relieve the pain from my back.

Around 2:30 we called our doula, Kristina, and asked her to come to the hospital. We were ready for some assistance at that point as the contractions were starting to feel much more intense. They were coming more frequently and lasting longer and were getting MUCH stronger. I still felt in control though and like I could handle them. When Kristina arrived she helped us find some other positions to help me get as comfortable as possible, including standing and leaning on either her or Aaron. I remember everything escalating very quickly after she arrived. The contractions went straight from a 4 or a 5 to a 9 or a 10 on the pain scale and I began wondering aloud when I could have an epidural. At my last cervical check I was only 2 cm dilated so in my head it was far too early to get an epidural. I had hoped to labor to a 6 or a 7 on my own before requiring assistance. Not sure how I got that number in my head but I was focused on it.

By around 4:30 I could literally no longer take the pain. The contractions were coming one on top of another with no break in between. I felt like my body might literally just fold over on itself because I had no time to breathe or recover from any of the pain.  Someone (Kristina maybe?) pointed out that the contractions I was having probably weren't productive because they were so quick and frequent and not the long, deep contractions with a break in between that your body needs to really make progress. All my body was doing at this point was fighting the pain. Made sense to me and so I consented to the epidural (actually I think I pretty much demanded it).



During a contraction...I remember being in this side-lying position holding Aaron's hand A LOT



After that things settled down quite a bit. I began progressing regularly, it seemed like a centimeter every hour or hour and a half. I remember feeling in control again. The pain wasn't sharp anymore but I still felt some pretty serious pressure and used my yoga breathing to relax through each contraction. We went on this way until probably 9:30 pm or so. There were some minor issues with the baby not being in the correct (posterior) position. My awesome nurse Ana was very helpful in giving me some different positions to lay in to hopefully help rotate the baby around. Obviously you are pretty restricted when hooked up to an epidural so I really appreciated her attentiveness to making me as comfortable as possible and helping me to progress despite being bedridden. I spent a lot of time sort of rolled onto one side with one leg up in a stirrup...trying to get gravity to spin the baby around. It felt so good to be able to change positions every so often!

Up until this point everything had been going smoothly and there was no reason for any concern at all. Then I remember Ana checking me and telling me that I was almost completely dilated and effaced, but the baby was not descending into the birth canal. Her guess was that the baby might be stuck and was not going to fit through my pelvis to be delivered. She was very honest and told us there was a 50-50 chance of having a c-section. Surprisingly I felt completely OK with that information. Aaron probably not so much. He admitted to me later that hearing that news scared the crap out of him. Me though? Didn't care one tiny bit...I was just thinking, well at least this would all be over that much sooner!

Ana told me she was going to "crank up" my pitocin and give me 45 minutes to progress and then re-assess from there. Grrrrrreeeeaatttt!! That sounds like a blast. So she did, and progress I did - when she came back to check me I was at a +2 station from a 0 station less than an hour earlier. Alice was dropping and dropping fast! Yippee! I think it was probably close to midnight now because I think this is about when the pushing started. You always hear women talking about an "urge" to push and that is exactly what I felt. I asked if I could try and they said I could...and that was it. They didn't rush to get into position to catch the baby or anything, just casually nodded their heads and were like "yeah sure whatever go for it". Seemed odd to me, but obviously they knew I wasn't going to just push the baby out in one pop. Amazing what those medical professionals know...

From this point it really becomes a blur. I remember some talk about calling Dr. Jeffers. Turns out she was the one "on call" for the clinic that night so I was really happy to know that she would be coming in to deliver my baby. They said they would call her when I was about a half hour from delivering because it would take her 20 minutes to get there. I remember wondering how exactly they would know when I'm a half hour out but whatever. They knew. I pushed on and off from about midnight to 2 am when Alice was finally born. During this time I would push through a couple contractions and then take a break through one or two and just breathe through them. They also gave me an oxygen mask to breathe into when I was on my "breaks". I didn't know it at the time but apparently the baby's heart rate was slowing, hence the reason for my breaks and for the oxygen. They called Dr. Jeffers at about 1:20. She showed up at 1:45 (a little longer than 20 minutes because of some overnight construction going on). The last things I remember before Alice entered this world were: A) everyone in the room guessing how big the baby would be...Dr. Jeffers guessed 8 lbs 10 oz and ended up being spot on! and B) Florence & The Machine's "Dog Days Are Over" playing on my labor playlist and Dr. Jeffers commenting that it was a really good song to push to. I'm pretty sure Alice came out during that song.

The funniest thing to me was the utter surprise to see Dr. Jeffers holding up my baby and then placing her on my chest. The push where she came out felt no different to me than any other push and they had all been encouraging me the whole way along so I had no idea that the 57th time of people saying "You're doing so great, she's almost here!" actually meant that she was almost here. Also, Aaron kept telling me to "push really hard this time" and inside I was rolling my eyes and cursing him out and thinking "what the hell do you THINK I'm doing" but instead I just breathed and stayed quiet.

And so Alice Kathleen Doepner joined our family at 2:03 am on May 24, 2011. 8 lbs 10 oz, 21.5 inches long, with a 14.5 inch head. Here are some of her first pics...




First family photo. I can't believe how awesome my hair looks here.



This was taken in some of the first moments after birth. It's hard to tell in this low-res version of the photo, but this picture ended up being very useful to us after I dropped Alice when she was 8 weeks old and we had to endure an overnight hospital stay. The nursing staff freaked out that one of her pupils was larger than the other one, which could've indicated a brain injury...later on we looked back at this photo and realized she was born that way. I'll probably blog about her fall in a later post. Short version is that she is just fine!



Brand New Babe!



:)